Yes, I am scared. In constant fear of everything and everyone. I'm afraid of what I might be or become. I'm afraid to get to close to people because I don't want to get hurt. I try to prevent the inevitable. I try to ice the world out thinking I'm being smart. Thinking I'll prevent the hurt and the pain of living. But really I've been sitting on pins and needles. I've become so self consumed and missed everything beautiful in my life. I've become pitiful and judgmental and everything I hate. I hate people who judge other people. I hate people who feel pity for them selves. I hate myself. And that scares me because no self hating person can love anyone else and that is a fact of life.
I'm afraid of being ordinary or forgotten. I'm afraid being annoying. I'm afraid of being viewed as weak. I'm afraid of becoming weak. I want to be me. I want to be fearless. I don't want to be irrelevant anymore. I want to be breathtaking and the main attention. I want to be the first choice and not the second anymore. I want to be....to be so much more than I am now. I want to sparkle and have the potential everyone is so sure I have.
I'm done being the nuisance with a sleeping problem. I'm done being that girl that won't shut up. I'm just done being that girl. That hateful self absorbed girl, because I can be so much more than that.
With much love and respect,
Lil Red
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