Strong

Most of my life I've been run over like I was nothing but a speed bump.  A figure of authority in my life had always told me I was stupid and worthless and other things like that.  And as a child i didn't know how to cope with all that negativity.  I became angry and started bullying other kids that were bigger than me probably because the bully in my life was bigger than me.  I was hateful.  I realized later that I had become what I dreaded most and apologized to most of the people I had wronged.  But not much changed because I was still the victim of verbal abuse.  As I grew up I became drawn to a more popular crowd.  They were the biggest bullies of them all.  They gossiped about peoples flaws and snickered at others pain.  And to them I was a play thing.  I was smart so they used me to copy off of.  I was funny so they used me to entertain them.  I was tough so they used me to protect them.  It was only until my sophomore year that I realized this and left all of them completely.  Still I was constantly put down by that same figure of authority in my life.  I turned to the wrong people to make me feel whole.  I started to convince myself that if I loved these people they would love me back.  But sadly that was not the case.  I started believing I was worthless and that I was truly stupid.  I started to put myself in dangerous positions.  I'd walk extra close to on coming traffic or I would climb a tree and stand on the weakest branch just to see what would happen.  I started wondering what people would do if I was gone.  Of course some people would truly care and then others would pretend but what I wondered most was for how long would these people care.  A day?  A week?  A month?   Even my own family I dare say would not have morned for more than 6 months.  So there I was bullied to the breaking point questioning whether or not I still wanted to be alive.  I was sitting on my bed one day when I realized the problem wasn't with me.  It was him.  The man that had put me down all my life was just trying to keep me at his level.  He was putting me down so he wasn't alone.  And I was just sitting there letting him win.  Letting them all win.  Everyone that hurt me with their words and their gossip.  I was lying there letting them win.  So I decided to stop caring.  To start pulling my self up instead of down.  Every time I looked in a mirror I would tell myself I was gorgeous.  I would tell myself I was brilliant and most importantly that I was better than them.  Because I was.  I became strong.  Their words are nothing to me anymore I'm like a steel wall.  An army couldn't hurt me.

Verbal abuse isn't a joke.  It's a real thing and in my opinion is worse than physical abuse.  It creeps in slowly and convinces you that you deserve it but guess what you don't and no one does and it sure as heck is not worth loosing your life over.  Mark twain once said "Do not fight with stupid people they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."  Don't let them drag you down.  Be strong. 

Loves,

Lil Red