I still love you...but that's okay.

Disclaimer: I'm writing about a man I wasted too much of my life on. I've written about him before but I'm hoping this is the last time. Getting him out of my system feels good.

To be completely honest, I am still in love with you.

I'll probably still be in love with you till the day I die.

You left a mark on my soul and good or bad it will always be there.

I will love others I will move on.

I will still love you.

I will meet other people I will go places.

I will still love you.

You never asked for me to love you and no one made me.

Loving you was never a choice. It was an unmistakable accident. I let my guard down and before I knew what happened there you were chipping away at my heart. I will always love you because there will always be a string tied to my heart that leads to yours.

Loving you was never a choice. Leaving you was. Leaving the place we both existed together was. Loving you made me crazy and to this day it still does. Loving you was painful and I still have the scars to prove it. Loving you was anything but enjoyable. It was dark and twisted and led me down a road I didn't know I could leave.

Leaving you was worse.

For days I thought you would show up to my door and tell me you loved me too. I knew it was a fantasy but it was my fantasy. It was what got me through the day.

I had to step by step erase you from me.

Erase the way you made me laugh like no one else.

Erase the way you made me smile a mile wide.

Erase the way you made my heart soar.

Erase the way you annoyed me in a way no one else could.

I had to erase the idea that we had a future together.

So yes I love you. As much as I did in the beginning and as much as I will in the end.

I love your laugh.

I love your voice.

I love your walk.

I love your wit and your spunk.

But I am able to live now.

I am finally able to be happy without you.

I'm finally able to breathe again.

2:47am

I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling.  I think about my school.  I think about my friends.  I think about the test I'm going to have that day.  I think about my mom.  I think about my future.  I think about him.  I think about him a lot.  The way he walks.  The way he talks.  His smile.  His laugh.  I hate him.  I hate him because I love him.  I hate him because I can't stop loving him.  He's Insensitive and mean.  He's caring and kind.  He's selfish.  He's selfless.  He's arrogant and stubborn.  He's sweet and witty.  He's like a bipolar disorder.  One day I hate him.  One day I love him.  He's a waste of my time.  Yet I waste hours on him.  It's 2:47 am and I'm struggling not to cry.  It's 2:47 am and I can't help but think of him.  It's 2:47 am and my mind is at war with thoughts of him.  It's 2:47 am and I have given up.  It's 2:48 am and my mind goes blank.

Best Qualities

I like when he remembers things.  Little things.  Things I didn't realize he even heard or paid attention to.  He’ll mention things like my family or friends that I talked about nearly a month ago.  He’ll say things like “Don’t you Hate nuts?”, “You want to be a bio teacher right?” or something along the lines of “You wouldn't do that, that’s against your views.”  He pretends he doesn't listen.  He makes it a point to say he doesn't listen.  But I know he does.  His favorite thing to do is write my name like “Hannah.” When he knows I hate it.  He says “I forgot” but I say “No you just like when I get angry and you do it on purpose.”  He just smiles.  I would kill to keep that smile on his face forever.  Not his time to take a picture smile, Time to fake it smile, but his I am generally happy smile.  That smile touches my heart in a certain type of way.  He’s so funny too really he is without even knowing it.  He makes funny faces at things and climbs on things.  At times he acts like a child and I like that about him as well because he’s just so oblivious to the world that he doesn't care.  A part of me wants to take care of that innocence he has.  Listening though that is what I love most about him.  He talks I listen.  I talk He pretends not to listen.  It’s a balance.  It’s beautiful.