Things Once Forgotten

I know it sounds strange but I recently decided to start living my life for myself and not for someone else.  At first I thought it was selfish to think like that.  Like caring about myself made me a monster.  I guess you could say I have a lot of healing to do.  I've always put some one at the center of my little universe and then completely forgotten about myself.  Forgotten that I matter too.  

So where do I go from here you ask? 

  Good question.  I don't really know. 

 I started doing things I used to love.  

Painting things that make me proud. 

Sketching cartoons.  

Reading books about people who don't exist. 

 Listening to music that makes me smile instead of cry.

Don't get me wrong I still care about other people and will drop everything to help those close to me if they need me.  I'm just no longer going to worry about things that don't concern me.  I'm going to stop putting others needs above my own.  I'm going to stop chasing after things that are not good for me.  For once in my life I am going to put my mental health first.   

I don't think it's selfish.

I think it's smart.

Something About You

Disclaimer:  

I am not weak.  

I am not forgettable. 

 I wrote this about someone who didn't want this.  

So I'm giving it to you guys instead.  

Enjoy.

There is something about the way you make me laugh.  

It's different than the way other people make me laugh.  

It's genuine not forced.

It's natural and untouched. 

There is something about your eyes. 

They are the most unique eyes I've ever seen. 

They are a vibrant green but the left one has a crack in it that breaks my heart.

It's stunning.

Such perfect imperfection.

There is something about the way you talk.

You talk with purpose and meaning.

You're so intelligent it makes me want to know more.

To know everything.

There is something about you that makes me want to never stop getting to know you. 

You are a puzzle I have yet to put together.  

You are a sculpture I have yet to unearth.

You are a game I have yet to beat.

Yes there is something about you I can't quite get out of my mind. 

But why would I want to.

Chat

I still love you...but that's okay.

Disclaimer: I'm writing about a man I wasted too much of my life on. I've written about him before but I'm hoping this is the last time. Getting him out of my system feels good.

To be completely honest, I am still in love with you.

I'll probably still be in love with you till the day I die.

You left a mark on my soul and good or bad it will always be there.

I will love others I will move on.

I will still love you.

I will meet other people I will go places.

I will still love you.

You never asked for me to love you and no one made me.

Loving you was never a choice. It was an unmistakable accident. I let my guard down and before I knew what happened there you were chipping away at my heart. I will always love you because there will always be a string tied to my heart that leads to yours.

Loving you was never a choice. Leaving you was. Leaving the place we both existed together was. Loving you made me crazy and to this day it still does. Loving you was painful and I still have the scars to prove it. Loving you was anything but enjoyable. It was dark and twisted and led me down a road I didn't know I could leave.

Leaving you was worse.

For days I thought you would show up to my door and tell me you loved me too. I knew it was a fantasy but it was my fantasy. It was what got me through the day.

I had to step by step erase you from me.

Erase the way you made me laugh like no one else.

Erase the way you made me smile a mile wide.

Erase the way you made my heart soar.

Erase the way you annoyed me in a way no one else could.

I had to erase the idea that we had a future together.

So yes I love you. As much as I did in the beginning and as much as I will in the end.

I love your laugh.

I love your voice.

I love your walk.

I love your wit and your spunk.

But I am able to live now.

I am finally able to be happy without you.

I'm finally able to breathe again.

Maybe a book? Maybe a novel? Maybe nothing?

I suck so bad.

Keeping up with things is not my best quality.

I've been pretty busy since last time we talked.

I cut my hair and dyed it brown.  I turned nineteen too.

I guess I'm not technically little red any more.

I'm neither a red head nor am I little.

(sigh)

So guess what guys.

I'm writing a story.  Hopefully a book of sorts it's all really up in the air.

I've just been inspired recently.  I honestly don't know if it will be any good and I don't know if I'll ever finish it because like I said before I suck at keeping up with things.

Here's to hoping.

The story is basically about a girl who falls in love with a man but it's not the right time so she basically has to get over him until the time is right and they meet again.  The first book is really just going to be a feel good growing up book and hopefully the second book would be them meeting again and figuring the whole life thing out together.  In all honesty I'll probably get lazy and put it all into one book.

(meh)

I wish I was a more talented writer like I wish I could put my feelings into text in a better way.  I mean I can put the simple stuff on paper but nothing too creative.

For example let's say I was describing a log:

"The log was brown and covered in moss."

(insert famous author here) describing a log:

"Suddenly I saw a log the same shade of brown as the fur on the dog I had growing up.  Moss freckled it through out like a small ginger child."

I don't even know but I'm not that creative.

If any one has any genie wishes they'd like to lend to me that would be great.

Adios Camarades