Free as the Wind

Have you ever read the yellow wallpaper?  If you haven’t I definitely recommend it.  It’s about a woman who is mentally ill and her husband (who is a physician) thinks he can cure her by isolating her with only her thoughts and this ugly yellow wall paper.   The isolation slowly drives her insane and she believes there is a woman in the wall paper and in the end she becomes the woman in the wallpaper.

I think that’s like me.  This town is my yellow wallpaper and I’m trapped in it.  People think I’ll get over it.  But I’m like the wind in a box.  I have to move.  I have to feel.   I have to feel everything.  I want to climb mountains in Switzerland and drive across every state in America.  I want to write a book about the wind as a human.  Like a spirit trapped in a body.  Like something unattainable made attainable.

The wind and me are connected.  I remember when I was little and I would think about running away and the wind would blow back to home almost telling me not to.  It always points me in the right direction and I think it’s almost time for me to finally leave and be free like the wind.

With much 

Love,

Lil Red

҉

Five Languages of Love

I have this wacky yet pretty awesome chemistry teacher that basically spends more than half the class teaching us stuff that has nothing to do with chemistry.  Well the other day he taught us the five languages of love.  Which are:

1.       Acts of Service

2.       Quality Time

3.       Words of affirmation

4.       Physical touch

5.       Gifts

It’s pretty random and dorky I know but it got me thinking.  Which one am I?   You can have a primary and a secondary one.

Obviously I’m not physical touch considering I have a deep dislike for hugs.  Nor is it words of affirmation only because I have become numb to peoples insults and compliments.  So words in general have little to no effect on me.  I don’t believe I’m an acts of service kind of girl either because people do things for me all the time and I don’t really appreciate them as much as I should.

That just leaves quality time and gifts.  Now I do enjoy my fair share of gifts but I’d give anything to just cuddle with someone for a couple of hours.  Or take a nap or do something anything we don’t even have to talk because I enjoy silence and I enjoy spending time without meaningless chatter.  That’s how you know someone is real.  They don’t need to keep talking and they can just be content with how things are.  I mean don’t get me wrong I do love gifts I would just have to say quality time is my primary and gifts is my secondary.

It’s funny though.  My wacky chemistry teacher talks about his wife like she’s a god among men.  He holds her on the highest respect.  One of my friends said this one day “I just want someone to talk about me like he talks about his wife.”   Honestly I’ve put that on the list now because I believe that really there is no excuse and all men and woman should talk about their spouse like they are the best thing that has ever happened to them.

So there you have it.  A life lesson from my wacky chemistry teacher who spends half his time talking about guns and the other half actually reaching his students on a personal level not just a superficial level.  I think we need a class about that where students can ask about life and other issues.  That would be a lot more useful than algebra.

With Love,

Lil Red

♥

My bestfriend

      Recently my best friend started a blog and in her first post she talked about me it was only a brief description but I thought I'd return the favor. 

 

      My best friend,  if you asked me to describe her in one word I'd tell you that was impossible because she is so much more than just one word.  She's like a broken pane of glass.  So many pieces all different shapes and sizes.  All reflecting something different.  She's crazy of course but who honest to goodness isn't.  But between all that craziness she's one of the most put together people I know.  She's strong even though she has no idea. She's way prettier than she realizes too.  She takes care of me more than I deserve and I honestly owe her my life because she has more than once talked me back into sanity.  She loves me despite my faults and my corkiness.  She never judges me ever.  

     I couldn't ever possibly ask for a better best friend.  And I think that somewhere whether or not god exists we knew each other.  It might have been in heaven. Or our atoms could have come from the same star billions and billions of years ago.  All I know is that girl is my sister one way or another. And I love her with all my heart.

Loves, 

Lil Red

Strong

Most of my life I've been run over like I was nothing but a speed bump.  A figure of authority in my life had always told me I was stupid and worthless and other things like that.  And as a child i didn't know how to cope with all that negativity.  I became angry and started bullying other kids that were bigger than me probably because the bully in my life was bigger than me.  I was hateful.  I realized later that I had become what I dreaded most and apologized to most of the people I had wronged.  But not much changed because I was still the victim of verbal abuse.  As I grew up I became drawn to a more popular crowd.  They were the biggest bullies of them all.  They gossiped about peoples flaws and snickered at others pain.  And to them I was a play thing.  I was smart so they used me to copy off of.  I was funny so they used me to entertain them.  I was tough so they used me to protect them.  It was only until my sophomore year that I realized this and left all of them completely.  Still I was constantly put down by that same figure of authority in my life.  I turned to the wrong people to make me feel whole.  I started to convince myself that if I loved these people they would love me back.  But sadly that was not the case.  I started believing I was worthless and that I was truly stupid.  I started to put myself in dangerous positions.  I'd walk extra close to on coming traffic or I would climb a tree and stand on the weakest branch just to see what would happen.  I started wondering what people would do if I was gone.  Of course some people would truly care and then others would pretend but what I wondered most was for how long would these people care.  A day?  A week?  A month?   Even my own family I dare say would not have morned for more than 6 months.  So there I was bullied to the breaking point questioning whether or not I still wanted to be alive.  I was sitting on my bed one day when I realized the problem wasn't with me.  It was him.  The man that had put me down all my life was just trying to keep me at his level.  He was putting me down so he wasn't alone.  And I was just sitting there letting him win.  Letting them all win.  Everyone that hurt me with their words and their gossip.  I was lying there letting them win.  So I decided to stop caring.  To start pulling my self up instead of down.  Every time I looked in a mirror I would tell myself I was gorgeous.  I would tell myself I was brilliant and most importantly that I was better than them.  Because I was.  I became strong.  Their words are nothing to me anymore I'm like a steel wall.  An army couldn't hurt me.

Verbal abuse isn't a joke.  It's a real thing and in my opinion is worse than physical abuse.  It creeps in slowly and convinces you that you deserve it but guess what you don't and no one does and it sure as heck is not worth loosing your life over.  Mark twain once said "Do not fight with stupid people they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."  Don't let them drag you down.  Be strong. 

Loves,

Lil Red