Empty

                When bad things happen to me I don’t blame the person who did them to me nor do I hold it against them.  I wonder what I did wrong.  How I let myself let anywhere near me.  Why I was so weak or why I was so stupid.  I didn’t have a horrible childhood.  I don’t have a drug addiction.  And I don’t have some disease that no one knows about.  Yet all my life I feel as though I’ve been hiding.  Hiding from something I do not know.   I keep myself guarded not just to keep them from hurting me but to keep me from hurting them as well.  If they get too close they will see how empty I am and that is why I hurt them.  I turn the other cheek.  I pretend as though they do not exist.  What’s really crazy is I still have this illusion that one day I will find someone who loves me.  You can’t love a black hole that doesn’t let anyone near it and that is the stone cold truth.  I was born with this emptiness.  It was neither forged nor stolen.  Simply born with the rest of me.  I don’t feel the same things others feel.  Jokes they think are funny I find meaningless.  Things that make others cry I don’t even blink at.  I guess you could say that makes me crazy or a psychopath but it’s not like I don’t have emotions.  I have the ability to laugh and to cry.  I just don’t do it genuinely all that often.  I think all things through logically before they even happen.  I think every scenario out that could ever possibly happen.  I am never surprised.  I think that has led to my doubt in many things like religion and friends and the existence of love.  If you expect something to happen nothing will happen.  It’s a science like watching a flower or a plant grow.  Watching it grow everyday it will seem to grow at a very slow rate or not at all as if watching it makes it not happen.  In my opinion it’s the same thing with thoughts and miracles.  If you think it will happen it won’t.  It’s a science fact as far as I am concerned.

  Sorry to disappoint. 

The Wanting

I want to know everything about you.  

Your thoughts.  

Your fears. 

  Where you grew up. 

  Where you played when you were little.  

Your favorite hide away spots.  

I want to know what jobs your parents had and all the nicknames they had for you. 

  I want to know all about your siblings. 

  What kind of pets did you have? 

  I want to know about your first real horrible heart break.  

I want to know your favorite color and your dream destination. 

  I want to know your favorite sport.  

How many bones have you broken if any.

  I want to know all the movies that have make you cry.  

I want to know your favorite subjects and your goals. 

  I want you to tell me all about yourself and never stop.  

You can go on for hours I don’t mind.  

I want you to tell me I matter to you and that you want me to know everything about you. 

  Tell me you have feelings for me. 

  I want you to come clean and tell me everything. 

  I need you to come clean and tell me everything.

2:47am

I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling.  I think about my school.  I think about my friends.  I think about the test I'm going to have that day.  I think about my mom.  I think about my future.  I think about him.  I think about him a lot.  The way he walks.  The way he talks.  His smile.  His laugh.  I hate him.  I hate him because I love him.  I hate him because I can't stop loving him.  He's Insensitive and mean.  He's caring and kind.  He's selfish.  He's selfless.  He's arrogant and stubborn.  He's sweet and witty.  He's like a bipolar disorder.  One day I hate him.  One day I love him.  He's a waste of my time.  Yet I waste hours on him.  It's 2:47 am and I'm struggling not to cry.  It's 2:47 am and I can't help but think of him.  It's 2:47 am and my mind is at war with thoughts of him.  It's 2:47 am and I have given up.  It's 2:48 am and my mind goes blank.

Phobias and Fears

Pho·bi·a; noun; an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.  Have you ever asked someone what their greatest fear is?  What they are scared of the most?  Well today I’m coming clean.  I have a multitude of irrational fears.  But today I would like to touch on only two.  I would also like to say that these are not meant to offend anyone.  I am not against any views that you have this is just about something’s that physiologically psyche me out. 

The first is the dark.  I've been afraid of the dark since before I can remember.  What’s funny though is that as I grew older I realized it’s not the dark I’m afraid of,  it’s what’s in the dark that scares me.  The unknown creatures and demons that lurk in those shadows and dark hallways.  We kid ourselves when we say that it’s nothing but our imaginations.  In the dark we are nothing but vulnerable.  Completely open.  Unaware of movement around us.  Unaware of eyes staring at us.  It’s truly terrifying how much we depend on sight.  We are so strong but you take away one of our five senses and we are rendered powerless.  So that my dear friends is why I am 17 years old and still afraid of the dark.

My other fear is more of a Phobia.  It’s also very strange and not intended to offend anyone.  I am completely terrified of Drag Queens.  Yes, I know I can hear you all gasping and asking why or thinking I just hate people who are different.  Get that thought out of your head right now, because I love everyone for the most part.  Actually I think I just hate everyone equally.  Well anyway what scares me about drag queens is the thick make up and the wigs and I am literally having an anxiety attack as I write this.  I saw this thing on TV where this old man dressed up like an old woman to kill girls.  Freaked me out something fierce.  I also used to work the night shift at McDonald's and we would get waves of Asheville’s night life which included drag queens. For some reason I freak out.  I can’t take it emotionally.  Don’t ask me why because I can’t give you a good enough explanation.  Sorry but that’s just how it is.

Being afraid of something isn't bad.  It’s not a weakness either.  It’s healthy to know your limits and to know what you can and cannot do.   Embrace your fears and face them if you’re that kind of person.
  (I’m not mostly because I’m a wimp.) (Sorry.) (Not sorry.)