Up All Night

I don't feel like sleeping anymore.  Before I wanted to catch up on my sleep all the time.  Now I'm so far behind I could never catch up.  I'm not good at catching up.  Things happen in my family all the time and I'm always the last to know.  I mean it's not like I don't try, because I really do.  I want to be ahead of the curb instead of behind it.  It's 12:45 at night and all I want to do is type.  Sometimes I think if I sit in front of the computer long enough that something beautiful might poor out.   I want to be this writer, this great writer like Jane Austen or Louisa Alcott.  Someone people remember.  But here I am.  Failing English believe it or not.

I'm such a mess.  And I'm crazy.  A while back I was texting someone.  I was telling him if I didn't keep every thing bottled up he would think I was legit crazy.  But he told me he already knew I was crazy.  It sounds stupid but it meant a lot, because for all I've tried to hide my crazy side, it's still there.  And some one saw it, and accepted it. Accepted me.  Not the girl with all her curtains drawn, but the girl setting fire to them.

Now I have to keep writing because I'm wide awake.  The other day I found this quote I really liked.  It said "The what if's & should have's will eat your brain."-John O'Callaghan.  I really liked this quote because of it's relativity.

Time update, it's 1:12 Am.  I used to think no one was up this late.  I used to think 6 am was early.  But now I know that there is no early and there is no late.  Humans develop habits of sleeping.  We sleep at night because that's what our ancestors did.  Because it was dark and you couldn't work in the dark.  We never lost that habit.  People sleep when they want, not because the sun has switched places with the moon.  Not because it's dark outside.   But because our bodies say so.  I think it would be marvelous to sleep during the day and be busy at night.

I love certain sounds.  I love the sound of horses walking.  I love the sound of coffee brewing.  I like the sound a singer makes when their voice catches and they're really close to the mike.  I like the sound of matches when they first catch flame.  I like the sound a record makes when the tracks done.  I like the sound keyboards make when you type.  Random I know but it's what I like.

Well its 1:54 and I think for the sack of my well being I should catch a few hours of sleep.

With Much Love,
Lil Red

Today

I sit with my head against the cold car door window.  Looking up at the outside world.  The outside world looking down at me.  Bright lights speeding past me.  Restaurants, shops, billboards, churches, hospitals, and people....lots of people.  But that's the thing.  People.  I don't quite get them as well as people think I do.  I don't get how they do all this.  They live everyday as if yesterday never even happend.  Maybe that's my problem.  I'm stuck in yesterday.  I feel like a child let loose in a giant metal playground.  I have to make my own decisions and my own mistakes.  I don't like it.  I just want to curl back up in my shell and never come out......I want to go back when my mom was my best friend and everything she could fix, when she could cushion my blows.  I don't want to be here.  I don't want to be anywhere.  Just....I want to be a child again.  This world is to be and great for me.  I don't think I can take it alone.  But I must.  I'm so sick and tired of people telling me to do the thing I've been doing for years.  But same result every time......silence.

I must move on from this cloud.  This cloud that I made from my emotions and fears.  I need to live today.  I hate when people say "there's always tomorrow". Because there isn't.  Today is all we have.  It's all we will ever have.  We don't know if tomorrow even exist yet.  We don't have yesterday and we don't have tomorrow.  All we have is today.  And today I shall move forward.

With Much Love,

Lil Red

Not Broken At All

I'm not broken.  I feel broken but I'm just a little banged up.  All  I need is a little fixing up.  A fresh coat of self confidence and I should be good as new.  In all honesty these last two months have been pretty hard.  I've loved and I've lost.  I've cried until I thought I'd run out of tears.  I've run from my problems instead of facing them.  I've slept for hours only to wake up tired.  I've had this constant pit in my stomach.  I've experienced the real world and trust me it's not as fun as in the movies.  I've experienced injustice.  I've had many misfortunes.  But the thing is that I can't feel sorry for myself anymorw.  It gets me nowhere.  Same with blaming others.  I just need to sit and discuss these matters with myself.  I need to wake up from my down ward spiral pity party.  I need to run and run fast.  I need to sleep 8 hours a night.  I need to stop eating junk.  I need to listen to my beautiful Mommy.  I need to work harder.  I need to see the world with innocent eyes.  I need to repent.  I need to change myself for the better, because if I don't change myself, who will?

With all the love in the world,
Lil Red

Fading

                      I think I'm fading.  Fading in and out of life.  Loosing my humanity.  I don't enjoy talking to people anymore.  Words have lost there meaning.  I've lost my meaning.  I fake emotions to make people think I care but in reality, I really just don't.  I don't even find books enjoyable anymore.  I haven't truly laughed in a while.  I'm mentally and physically done.  There is no lesson to be taught here.  There is no hidden meaning.  There is no inspiration.  This is me being completely honest.  I'm tired, I'm worn out and I'm done.  

Feeling kinda soggy,

Lil Red