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Saturday, December 20, 2014

Mix tapes and Pudding

                So I don’t know about you but I had a pretty interesting yet normal day today.   I woke up at 8:30 to an empty house as one does when all the adults have jobs and the other kids are at our dads.  I cleaned the kitchen so my mom would be surprised when she got home.  After I finished cleaning I made myself hot cocoa and Hershey’s pudding (all for myself of course).  Then I watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s for about the billionth time.  After that I watched every science video on YouTube I could find (because I’m a science nerd naturally).  When my sweet mother arrived home she gave me praises for cleaning the kitchen without being told to.  About an hour after she arrived home I started making a mix tape.  I know what you’re thinking “A mix tape?  What year is it again?  1989?”  For everyone’s information I am the proud owner of two cassette players.   And my mix tape which is now finished has songs from every era since the 1960’s.  And yes I am that girl that thinks she was born in the wrong generation. 

I am completely convinced that every good song has already been written.  I only ever hear repeats of the same beats and lyrics now a days that it’s almost pathetic.  There is no originality left for the future because it was all used up in the past.  But that’s just my two cents. *Wink*
With Much
Love,
Lil Red

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Free as the Wind




Have you ever read the yellow wallpaper?  If you haven’t I definitely recommend it.  It’s about a woman who is mentally ill and her husband (who is a physician) thinks he can cure her by isolating her with only her thoughts and this ugly yellow wall paper.   The isolation slowly drives her insane and she believes there is a woman in the wall paper and in the end she becomes the woman in the wallpaper.

I think that’s like me.  This town is my yellow wallpaper and I’m trapped in it.  People think I’ll get over it.  But I’m like the wind in a box.  I have to move.  I have to feel.   I have to feel everything.  I want to climb mountains in Switzerland and drive across every state in America.  I want to write a book about the wind as a human.  Like a spirit trapped in a body.  Like something unattainable made attainable.

The wind and me are connected.  I remember when I was little and I would think about running away and the wind would blow back to home almost telling me not to.  It always points me in the right direction and I think it’s almost time for me to finally leave and be free like the wind.

With much 

Love,

Lil Red

҉

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Five Languages of Love

I have this wacky yet pretty awesome chemistry teacher that basically spends more than half the class teaching us stuff that has nothing to do with chemistry.  Well the other day he taught us the five languages of love.  Which are:

1.       Acts of Service
2.       Quality Time
3.       Words of affirmation
4.       Physical touch
5.       Gifts

It’s pretty random and dorky I know but it got me thinking.  Which one am I?   You can have a primary and a secondary one.

Obviously I’m not physical touch considering I have a deep dislike for hugs.  Nor is it words of affirmation only because I have become numb to peoples insults and compliments.  So words in general have little to no effect on me.  I don’t believe I’m an acts of service kind of girl either because people do things for me all the time and I don’t really appreciate them as much as I should.

That just leaves quality time and gifts.  Now I do enjoy my fair share of gifts but I’d give anything to just cuddle with someone for a couple of hours.  Or take a nap or do something anything we don’t even have to talk because I enjoy silence and I enjoy spending time without meaningless chatter.  That’s how you know someone is real.  They don’t need to keep talking and they can just be content with how things are.  I mean don’t get me wrong I do love gifts I would just have to say quality time is my primary and gifts is my secondary.

It’s funny though.  My wacky chemistry teacher talks about his wife like she’s a god among men.  He holds her on the highest respect.  One of my friends said this one day “I just want someone to talk about me like he talks about his wife.”   Honestly I’ve put that on the list now because I believe that really there is no excuse and all men and woman should talk about their spouse like they are the best thing that has ever happened to them.

So there you have it.  A life lesson from my wacky chemistry teacher who spends half his time talking about guns and the other half actually reaching his students on a personal level not just a superficial level.  I think we need a class about that where students can ask about life and other issues.  That would be a lot more useful than algebra.

With Love,

Lil Red


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

My bestfriend

      Recently my best friend started a blog and in her first post she talked about me it was only a brief description but I thought I'd return the favor. 
 
      My best friend,  if you asked me to describe her in one word I'd tell you that was impossible because she is so much more than just one word.  She's like a broken pane of glass.  So many pieces all different shapes and sizes.  All reflecting something different.  She's crazy of course but who honest to goodness isn't.  But between all that craziness she's one of the most put together people I know.  She's strong even though she has no idea. She's way prettier than she realizes too.  She takes care of me more than I deserve and I honestly owe her my life because she has more than once talked me back into sanity.  She loves me despite my faults and my corkiness.  She never judges me ever.  

     I couldn't ever possibly ask for a better best friend.  And I think that somewhere whether or not god exists we knew each other.  It might have been in heaven. Or our atoms could have come from the same star billions and billions of years ago.  All I know is that girl is my sister one way or another. And I love her with all my heart.

Loves, 
Lil Red

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Strong

Most of my life I've been run over like I was nothing but a speed bump.  A figure of authority in my life had always told me I was stupid and worthless and other things like that.  And as a child i didn't know how to cope with all that negativity.  I became angry and started bullying other kids that were bigger than me probably because the bully in my life was bigger than me.  I was hateful.  I realized later that I had become what I dreaded most and apologized to most of the people I had wronged.  But not much changed because I was still the victim of verbal abuse.  As I grew up I became drawn to a more popular crowd.  They were the biggest bullies of them all.  They gossiped about peoples flaws and snickered at others pain.  And to them I was a play thing.  I was smart so they used me to copy off of.  I was funny so they used me to entertain them.  I was tough so they used me to protect them.  It was only until my sophomore year that I realized this and left all of them completely.  Still I was constantly put down by that same figure of authority in my life.  I turned to the wrong people to make me feel whole.  I started to convince myself that if I loved these people they would love me back.  But sadly that was not the case.  I started believing I was worthless and that I was truly stupid.  I started to put myself in dangerous positions.  I'd walk extra close to on coming traffic or I would climb a tree and stand on the weakest branch just to see what would happen.  I started wondering what people would do if I was gone.  Of course some people would truly care and then others would pretend but what I wondered most was for how long would these people care.  A day?  A week?  A month?   Even my own family I dare say would not have morned for more than 6 months.  So there I was bullied to the breaking point questioning whether or not I still wanted to be alive.  I was sitting on my bed one day when I realized the problem wasn't with me.  It was him.  The man that had put me down all my life was just trying to keep me at his level.  He was putting me down so he wasn't alone.  And I was just sitting there letting him win.  Letting them all win.  Everyone that hurt me with their words and their gossip.  I was lying there letting them win.  So I decided to stop caring.  To start pulling my self up instead of down.  Every time I looked in a mirror I would tell myself I was gorgeous.  I would tell myself I was brilliant and most importantly that I was better than them.  Because I was.  I became strong.  Their words are nothing to me anymore I'm like a steel wall.  An army couldn't hurt me.

Verbal abuse isn't a joke.  It's a real thing and in my opinion is worse than physical abuse.  It creeps in slowly and convinces you that you deserve it but guess what you don't and no one does and it sure as heck is not worth loosing your life over.  Mark twain once said "Do not fight with stupid people they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."  Don't let them drag you down.  Be strong. 

Loves,
Lil Red

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Sorry/Poetry night take two

Okay, first of all I'm sorry. I've been so beyond overwelmed and not in a good place lately so I fell off the face of the earth and didn't blog at all.  Once again I'm sorry.  I've been dealing with some deep stuff lately and battling what I believe to be some form of depression.  But I'm getting better and focusing on the good not the bad.  In the process of getting better I've had to cut things out.  One being god and I know I'll get a lot of hate for this but ever since I stopped praying, stopped worrying about being judged at church stopped hating myself because I was judged and stopped thinking I'm not worthy it's like a giant weight has been lifted off of me.  And once again I know I'll get hate but I want to get one thing clear.  I'm not living some godless life and I'm not dropping my standards.  I'm stepping back and focusing on the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. The people who raised me and didn't judge me when I needed them most.  I want to send a message and my message is this.  You never kick a down dog.

So now that that's off my chest I want to assure everyone who got this far and don't think I'm crazy or possessed that I'm recovering and am no longer as depressed as I was.  I will return to blogging and I thought I would start off with some poems that I wrote.  They're a bit sappy and depressing but these were from my recent depresstion phase when I went through a serious awakening so bare with me if you will. 

Waiting 

I'll be there when she isn't 
I'll carry you when she drops you
I'll love you when she leaves you
I'll praise you when she forgets you 
I'll be there for better or for worse
So Just remember that next time you say you love her 
Next time you run after her
Next time you choose her over me
Remember I'm still here and I will always be here 
Waiting 

Life or death

You walk away
Bam!
I am dead 
I know it
My heart has given up 
I hit the floor 
Slowly 
I realize 
I am still alive 
But my heart is gone 
Dead and gone 
I feel cold
I grab a knife
Is this life worth living 
without being able to love?


Living proof

Yes it is true 
I am still in love with you 
My body aches for you
My thoughts linger back to you
My heart beats for you
But all with false hope
Because me and you both know
We simply cannot be
I am living proof 
That you can be alive but still have died deep inside


Okay sorry if I've ruined your day and mad you sad and gloomy.  I just want everyone to know that I'm back and I'm here to stay. 

Loves,
Lil Red

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

"Americas future"

Let's punish the flock because of one bird because that's how the school system works now.  We have lost our individuality and become a group a label a number. You're either smart or average or stupid and there is no in between.  Kids get lost underneath these superficial labels that we have been taught to accept since birth.  No child left behind is a scam.  It's an excuse to pass the kid down so it's "not your problem" anymore.  And it works until one day the kids a freshman and has no idea what he's doing so he continues to take the same class over and over again while the school expects a different result.  So eventually the kid gets let into the real world and is totally unprepared and can't hold down a real job because he's not "smart".   It's funny how we judge a persons intelligence by how well they can follow directions.  If they don't listen they're stupid.  If they are obedient they're smart.  Society needs to realize that we are not dogs we are human beings that have a voice and can use it. 

How about you chew that up and spit it out.  You know what the after taste tastes like?  To me it tastes like unemployed, not prepared kids who are "Americas future".  

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Let's pretend

Let's pretend for a moment that we're all adults and we make all the so called "right" decisions.  Let's pretend like we have the right to tell others what they can and cannot do.  Let's pretend that there is a scale for judging people.  Then all of your petty human decisions would be justified.  But wait none of the above is true so nothing you do is justified. But for that moment did it feel good to think that just for that moment you weren't in the wrong?  For that moment society was okay and not a complete mess.  Well guess what it's not.  There is no reason to treat others like they are below you or even above you.  You shouldn't judge anyone ever - it's not your job nor will it ever be.  You should be confident enough in your own skin that you don't care what others look like or what they do.  It's none of your business who they love or what they do or how they live their life.  At the end of the day all that matters is you.  Wake up and remember that every morning.  Just fit it into your very busy schedule and just tell yourself "my life is about me no one else but me." You'll get farther and feel better.

It's all I'm saying today,
Lil Red

Thursday, April 24, 2014

Accepted

I don't like people telling me what to do.  I don't like being stuck between a rock and a hard place.  And I hate more than anything when people think bad about me.  I just want to be liked by all but still be myself.  I don't want a boyfriend right now or a bestfriend.  I don't anything to tie me down.  I just want to be who I am and to be accepted.  It's almost funny how everyone says be yourself but when you are they hate it and force you back into solitude.  I just want to stop hiding.  Stop Hiding from the snakes and the mosquitoes and the leeches.  I want to talk as much as I want without people getting annoyed with me.  I want to sing without people's ears bleeding. I want to wear bright colors and dresses everyday.  I'm so sick of being this mask.  I've become hateful and distraught.  It's consuming me.  And I'm just ever so tired of it all.

Lil Red 


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Poetry night

Alive
 
I drop.
I cry.
I break.
But I wouldn't do it over 
Any different.
Because 
It's these things 
That remind us that 
We are still alive.


Blue

I fear your words
For they are true
I have taken my life 
And painted it blue 


Time

It's sad 
Really 
Truly 
We are fools
We are puppets 
To a thing we call time
We spend all our lives 
Trying to control others 
When we have no control 
Over ourselves.
And time has control over all.


I hope you enjoy those I wrote them as a sad attempt to be like a poet.

Lil red 

Monday, March 31, 2014

Wake up call

So for the few people who read my blog or keep up with me on social media you should know by now I post what I mean.  And what I post is nine times out of ten not about anyone in particular.  So let's get something straight if I tweet or post and somehow it seems like it's about you? Wake up!  It's not.  Not everything is about you.  If you left that little cloud above your head you would know I don't like you and we are not friends so why on earth would I post or tweet about you in anyway shape or form.  Honestly if you're so paranoid and self conscious I think instead of blaming other people you need to take a long hard look at yourself.  And I'm done with you for good. You can only fix yourself not the world.  Lesson to learn.

P.s it's not about you 

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Dreaming of New York

                  I wasn't meant for the country.  I was born to be a concrete animal.  I wasn't meant for the hills and the valleys I was meant for flat ground and tall buildings.  I wasn't meant for sundresses and plaid I was meant for heels and black dresses.  I was meant for the hustle and bustle of the city not the quiet town where everything closes at 8.  I was meant for sharp looks and the sound of shoes hitting the concrete and subways and trains.  I want to walk down a crowded street and no one even give me a second look.  I want to wear red lipstick and sunglasses everyday.  I want to own an apartment where I can have a small library and smell fresh coffee brewing across the street.  I want to be able to go and do something if I can't sleep at 3 in the morning.  I want to ride in a taxi and I want to hear street music everyday.   

                   I wasn't meant to slow down.  I wasn't meant for the horses and the fields.  I was meant to be modern and alive.  I wasn't meant for open spaces I was meant for cramped conditions.  Take me to me to New York where I can be the concrete animal I was born to be.  


Sunday, February 23, 2014

Fresh

                    So I dyed and cut my hair today.  Breelyn cut it so its not very even but its whatever I mean it's hair it will grow back, right?  It did take almost 5 years to get it to where it was but hey who's counting.......Well anyways how was your weekend?  Do anything exciting?  I know I didn't.  All I did was sleep all day and then sleep all night and then went to my job and got treated like crap of course but I mean it's McDonald's what do you expect?  I've had a problem connecting with people lately.  Like its taken a real effort just to have a conversation with someone.   I'm finding easier to just text people instead of talk to them which is very unpleasant.  I feel like a zombie, like I'm living but only existing if that makes any sense at all.

                    I've had some pretty dark days lately but I'm making the effort to make them better.  I've felt pretty down and alone and scared but sometimes you have to remind yourself that it'll all be okay.  Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but one day.  Say it enough that one day you'll actually believe it.  Remind yourself things have changed.  It changed for a reason, people change for a reason.  You just have to let go and move on.  It's gonna be hard and you're gonna feel lonely but just hold on.  Because who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

With much Love,
Lil Red

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Scared

                              Yes, I am scared.  In constant fear of everything and everyone.  I'm afraid of what I might be or become.  I'm afraid to get to close to people because I don't want to get hurt.  I try to prevent the inevitable.  I try to ice the world out thinking I'm being smart.  Thinking I'll prevent the hurt and the pain of living.  But really I've been sitting on pins and needles.  I've become so self consumed and missed everything beautiful in my life.  I've become pitiful and judgmental and everything I hate.  I hate people who judge other people.  I hate people who feel pity for them selves.  I hate myself.  And that scares me because no self hating person can love anyone else and that is a fact of life.    

                                 I'm afraid of being ordinary or forgotten.  I'm afraid being annoying.  I'm afraid of being viewed as weak.  I'm afraid of becoming weak.  I want to be me.  I want to be fearless.  I don't want to be irrelevant anymore.  I want to be breathtaking and the main attention.  I want to be the first choice and not the second anymore.  I want to be....to be so much more than I am now.  I want to sparkle and have the potential everyone is so sure I have.

                                  I'm done being the nuisance with a sleeping problem.  I'm done being that girl that won't shut up.  I'm just done being that girl.  That hateful self absorbed girl, because I can be so much more than that.

With much love and respect,
Lil Red

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Sorry's and Time

              I am who I say I am.  I'm nobody I'm not.  I won't fake it to your face or behind your back, that's just not my style.  I call it like I see it and I'm not sorry for doing so.  A word to describe me would be unapologetic, and that's just what I am.  I'm not going to apologize for something I mean because that would be a lie.  I'm an unoriginal copy of everything that's wrong with this generation.  I'm not sorry for being who I am, the only thing I'm sorry for is if you're forced to be here.  With me.  In my life unwillingly.  You can debate all day saying "oh but everyone would love to be a part in your life."  But the hard cold truth is not everyone's thrilled to be here, and I'm truly sorry for you.  I have lived long enough to know what I feel and why I feel it.  I have lived long enough to sum my self up.  I have lived long to talk like I know what it is I'm talking about.  

               I'm a lot older than I look.  Well not technically.  My mind acts like it can define the universe in one word.  Like it's lived here for a thousand years.  My body aches and shuts down like I'm closing in on death.  Yet I haven't even really began to live yet.  My spirit feels the end.  Feels as though it's time is up.  As though it is ready, yet not prepared at all.  I am not saying I'm better or smarter than anyone else.  

          "Some people are old at 18 and some are young at 90...time is a concept humans created." 
-Yoko Ono

With much love and respect,
Lil Red

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Top ten take two

So I decided to do another top ten, first one of the year.  Mostley because I have nothing else to write about.....I'm pretty much mind blank right now.

Top ten quotes:

1. "Sorrow leads to sadness but sadness leads to kindness and kindness leads to love." 
-Unknown 

2. "You're a ghost driving a meat coated skeleton made from stardust, what do you have to be scared of?"
-Unknown 

3. "I awoke, only to see that the rest of the world is still asleep."
-Leonardo da Vinci 

4. "Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out."
-Unknown 

5. "Ignorance is bliss but knowledge is pain."
-Unknown 

6. "My pain may be the reason for somebody's laugh.  But my laugh must never be the reason for somebody's pain."
-Charlie Chaplin

7. "Your naked body should only belong to those who fall In love with your naked soul."
-Charlie Chaplin 

8. "You're off to great places!  Today is your day!  Your mountains are waiting, so...get on your way!"
-Dr. Seuss

9. "No matter how you feel.  Get up, dress up, show up, and never give up."
-Unknown 

10. "Falling in love is a crazy thing to do, it's like a socially acceptable form of insanity."
-her 

Hope you like it

With much love,
lol Red

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Real talk

So I never blog anymore like what is that why don't I blog I don't know.  It's kinda like why do I talk to myself or why can't I use good grammar?  Questions that will always go unanswerd I guess.  Okay so I was thinking about my blog the other day.  And I started to think about how fake I am with people.  I'm fake on my blog and in person.  I act like I'm this like inspirational fountain of amazingness(pretty sure that's not a word, there I go with my grammar again).  But hey guys I'm really not.  I use the word like like every other sentence.....like.  I really couldn't care less about my generation honestly because it's doomed any way.  And for every one who thinks I'm like suicidal and all that jazz news flash I'm not okay.  I'm a teenager.  A really hormonal one.  Like take the most hormonal teen you've ever met and multiply that by like 6 no 7 no 6 I like 6 we'll do 6 okay so take that teen and multiply them by 6 and that's me.  I have like 20 million thoughts in my head at once and sometimes the sad ones pop out and I'm sad and sometimes the crazy ones pop out and I'm crazy.  Don't ask me why that's just how I am okay?  So now we have all this confusion cleared up we can finally have real talk okay you cool with that?  Well if you're still reading my blog after that mess I'm guessing you are.  I am a freak okay I'm crazy and I'm loud but I'm done pretending to be this model citizen okay? Okay....I think I'm good.  That felt good.  We should do this again some time.

With all the love and care in the world,
Lil red 


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Maybe

Maybe it was all for nothing.  Maybe all this working and running was for nothing.  Maybe in the end we will just be alone.  Maybe the new year is not the new beginning of anything.  Maybe it was just another day just like the last.  Maybe there is no reward at the end of all our work.  Maybe not living our lives to the fullest was for nothing.  Maybe not loving who we want to love has caused us pain that we shouldn't have had to feel.  Maybe we aren't as important as we think.

But what if....maybe we are.  What if it is all for something.  What if it really is a new year and a new slate. What if we can change everything.  What if all this running and working was for something.  Maybe this year will be your year.  Maybe you will make this world different this year.  We will never know for sure I guess.  

To New Beginnings,
Lil Red