Monday, May 22, 2017

Doctor says

My doctor says I'm depressed.
Maybe that's why I haven't left my bed in five days.
My doctor says I'm anemic.
Maybe that's why my heart hasn't stopped bleeding. 
My doctor says I have anxiety.
Maybe that's why I ruin everything by worrying about ruining everything.
My doctor says I have ADHD.
Maybe that's why I can drive for six hours but can't pay attention to the current conversation.
My doctor says the pills will help.
But I have been popping pills since I was four and I'm still fucked up.
My doctor says I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I don't think they know there is not a pill for self loathing.
My doctor says I should see a therapist.
But I've been in therapy since I was seven and not once did they ask about the bruises on my arms.
My doctor says to look on the bright side.
I don't think they understands that there is a lion that guards the gate.

My doctor says everything is temporary.
I don't think they understand my body is rejecting my mind.
I don't think they understand that I am scraping at the back of my eyelids trying to get out.
I don't think they understand that my mind is a storm and and I'm drowning.
I don't think they understand that I don't dream because when i sleep I only think of how nice it would be if this was forever.

I don't think they understand that the ailment that I suffer from is not a curable one.
My doctor went to school for eight years.
But I don't think they learned a thing.

Friday, May 5, 2017

Black and White

This is a black and white bathroom.  
This is where I dyed my hair red for the first time.
This is where I discovered my love for dark lipstick.
This is where I did my makeup for prom.

This is a black and white bathroom.
This is where I came to cry.
This is where I had my first panic attack.
This is where I took showers so hot my skin went numb.

This is a black and white bathroom.
This is where I bathed my first cat.
This is where I listened to my favorite music.
This is where I came to be alone.

This is a black and white bathroom.
This is where I came to throw up.
This is where I used to stare into the mirror and count all my flaws.
This is where I was going to kill myself.

This is a black and white bathroom.
I know you may think a bathroom is just a bathroom.
But every room has a story be it good or bad.
Black and white.
Always together never apart.

Had the idea for this at exactly three am.
A little strange but I like the way it turned out.

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Things Once Forgotten

I know it sounds strange but I recently decided to start living my life for myself and not for someone else.  At first I thought it was selfish to think like that.  Like caring about myself made me a monster.  I guess you could say I have a lot of healing to do.  I've always put some one at the center of my little universe and then completely forgotten about myself.  Forgotten that I matter too.  
So where do I go from here you ask? 
  Good question.  I don't really know. 

 I started doing things I used to love.  
Painting things that make me proud. 
Sketching cartoons.  
Reading books about people who don't exist. 
 Listening to music that makes me smile instead of cry.

Don't get me wrong I still care about other people and will drop everything to help those close to me if they need me.  I'm just no longer going to worry about things that don't concern me.  I'm going to stop putting others needs above my own.  I'm going to stop chasing after things that are not good for me.  For once in my life I am going to put my mental health first.   

I don't think it's selfish.
I think it's smart.

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Something About You

I am not weak.  
I am not forgettable. 
 I wrote this about someone who didn't want this.  
So I'm giving it to you guys instead.  

There is something about the way you make me laugh.  
It's different than the way other people make me laugh.  
It's genuine not forced.
It's natural and untouched. 

There is something about your eyes. 
They are the most unique eyes I've ever seen. 
They are a vibrant green but the left one has a crack in it that breaks my heart.
It's stunning.
Such perfect imperfection.

There is something about the way you talk.
You talk with purpose and meaning.
You're so intelligent it makes me want to know more.
To know everything.

There is something about you that makes me want to never stop getting to know you. 
You are a puzzle I have yet to put together.  
You are a sculpture I have yet to unearth.
You are a game I have yet to beat.

Yes there is something about you I can't quite get out of my mind. 
But why would I want to.