Empty

                When bad things happen to me I don’t blame the person who did them to me nor do I hold it against them.  I wonder what I did wrong.  How I let myself let anywhere near me.  Why I was so weak or why I was so stupid.  I didn’t have a horrible childhood.  I don’t have a drug addiction.  And I don’t have some disease that no one knows about.  Yet all my life I feel as though I’ve been hiding.  Hiding from something I do not know.   I keep myself guarded not just to keep them from hurting me but to keep me from hurting them as well.  If they get too close they will see how empty I am and that is why I hurt them.  I turn the other cheek.  I pretend as though they do not exist.  What’s really crazy is I still have this illusion that one day I will find someone who loves me.  You can’t love a black hole that doesn’t let anyone near it and that is the stone cold truth.  I was born with this emptiness.  It was neither forged nor stolen.  Simply born with the rest of me.  I don’t feel the same things others feel.  Jokes they think are funny I find meaningless.  Things that make others cry I don’t even blink at.  I guess you could say that makes me crazy or a psychopath but it’s not like I don’t have emotions.  I have the ability to laugh and to cry.  I just don’t do it genuinely all that often.  I think all things through logically before they even happen.  I think every scenario out that could ever possibly happen.  I am never surprised.  I think that has led to my doubt in many things like religion and friends and the existence of love.  If you expect something to happen nothing will happen.  It’s a science like watching a flower or a plant grow.  Watching it grow everyday it will seem to grow at a very slow rate or not at all as if watching it makes it not happen.  In my opinion it’s the same thing with thoughts and miracles.  If you think it will happen it won’t.  It’s a science fact as far as I am concerned.

  Sorry to disappoint. 

The Wanting

I want to know everything about you.  

Your thoughts.  

Your fears. 

  Where you grew up. 

  Where you played when you were little.  

Your favorite hide away spots.  

I want to know what jobs your parents had and all the nicknames they had for you. 

  I want to know all about your siblings. 

  What kind of pets did you have? 

  I want to know about your first real horrible heart break.  

I want to know your favorite color and your dream destination. 

  I want to know your favorite sport.  

How many bones have you broken if any.

  I want to know all the movies that have make you cry.  

I want to know your favorite subjects and your goals. 

  I want you to tell me all about yourself and never stop.  

You can go on for hours I don’t mind.  

I want you to tell me I matter to you and that you want me to know everything about you. 

  Tell me you have feelings for me. 

  I want you to come clean and tell me everything. 

  I need you to come clean and tell me everything.

2:47am

I lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling.  I think about my school.  I think about my friends.  I think about the test I'm going to have that day.  I think about my mom.  I think about my future.  I think about him.  I think about him a lot.  The way he walks.  The way he talks.  His smile.  His laugh.  I hate him.  I hate him because I love him.  I hate him because I can't stop loving him.  He's Insensitive and mean.  He's caring and kind.  He's selfish.  He's selfless.  He's arrogant and stubborn.  He's sweet and witty.  He's like a bipolar disorder.  One day I hate him.  One day I love him.  He's a waste of my time.  Yet I waste hours on him.  It's 2:47 am and I'm struggling not to cry.  It's 2:47 am and I can't help but think of him.  It's 2:47 am and my mind is at war with thoughts of him.  It's 2:47 am and I have given up.  It's 2:48 am and my mind goes blank.

Phobias and Fears

Pho·bi·a; noun; an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something.  Have you ever asked someone what their greatest fear is?  What they are scared of the most?  Well today I’m coming clean.  I have a multitude of irrational fears.  But today I would like to touch on only two.  I would also like to say that these are not meant to offend anyone.  I am not against any views that you have this is just about something’s that physiologically psyche me out. 

The first is the dark.  I've been afraid of the dark since before I can remember.  What’s funny though is that as I grew older I realized it’s not the dark I’m afraid of,  it’s what’s in the dark that scares me.  The unknown creatures and demons that lurk in those shadows and dark hallways.  We kid ourselves when we say that it’s nothing but our imaginations.  In the dark we are nothing but vulnerable.  Completely open.  Unaware of movement around us.  Unaware of eyes staring at us.  It’s truly terrifying how much we depend on sight.  We are so strong but you take away one of our five senses and we are rendered powerless.  So that my dear friends is why I am 17 years old and still afraid of the dark.

My other fear is more of a Phobia.  It’s also very strange and not intended to offend anyone.  I am completely terrified of Drag Queens.  Yes, I know I can hear you all gasping and asking why or thinking I just hate people who are different.  Get that thought out of your head right now, because I love everyone for the most part.  Actually I think I just hate everyone equally.  Well anyway what scares me about drag queens is the thick make up and the wigs and I am literally having an anxiety attack as I write this.  I saw this thing on TV where this old man dressed up like an old woman to kill girls.  Freaked me out something fierce.  I also used to work the night shift at McDonald's and we would get waves of Asheville’s night life which included drag queens. For some reason I freak out.  I can’t take it emotionally.  Don’t ask me why because I can’t give you a good enough explanation.  Sorry but that’s just how it is.

Being afraid of something isn't bad.  It’s not a weakness either.  It’s healthy to know your limits and to know what you can and cannot do.   Embrace your fears and face them if you’re that kind of person.
  (I’m not mostly because I’m a wimp.) (Sorry.) (Not sorry.)

Adventures

It is funny.  As we grow older, we become less aware of our surroundings.  We think that time moves faster when really were just not paying attention to what is changing around us.  We grow accustom to the world and we stop trying to learn new things.  We stop analyzing our surroundings.  We stop wondering how things work and just accepting that they do.  “This is fact and facts cannot be dis-proven,” we tell ourselves on a daily basis when really we barely know how to tell fact from fiction.  We think we know everything and that we are all grown up now.  In actuality, we are still children.  Children who fight, play, and get into trouble.  We touch hot stoves and learn lessons.  We sometimes lie because we are afraid of punishment.  However, we continue to tell ourselves a lie that we are grown up.  We are self-reliant.  We know everything we need to know about the world and that is that.  What happened to exploring?  What happened to adventures?  Just because the world is all mapped out does not mean there are not things still yet to be seen.  We have grown fat and lazy in our carbon copy homes and our runoff the mill office jobs.  We forget what it is like to run, explore, and dream.  We forget what it is like to do these things for fun.  We forget that sometimes facts can be dis proven and sometimes we can be the one to disprove them.  It is not too late to go on an adventure.  It’s not too late to chase your dreams.  It’s never too late.  So get off your laptop and go to Switzerland or Spain or Africa just go.  You’re never too old to go on an adventure just remember that.

Best Qualities

I like when he remembers things.  Little things.  Things I didn't realize he even heard or paid attention to.  He’ll mention things like my family or friends that I talked about nearly a month ago.  He’ll say things like “Don’t you Hate nuts?”, “You want to be a bio teacher right?” or something along the lines of “You wouldn't do that, that’s against your views.”  He pretends he doesn't listen.  He makes it a point to say he doesn't listen.  But I know he does.  His favorite thing to do is write my name like “Hannah.” When he knows I hate it.  He says “I forgot” but I say “No you just like when I get angry and you do it on purpose.”  He just smiles.  I would kill to keep that smile on his face forever.  Not his time to take a picture smile, Time to fake it smile, but his I am generally happy smile.  That smile touches my heart in a certain type of way.  He’s so funny too really he is without even knowing it.  He makes funny faces at things and climbs on things.  At times he acts like a child and I like that about him as well because he’s just so oblivious to the world that he doesn't care.  A part of me wants to take care of that innocence he has.  Listening though that is what I love most about him.  He talks I listen.  I talk He pretends not to listen.  It’s a balance.  It’s beautiful. 

Communication

I can feel him looking at me.  I see him out of my pareferal.  My movements slow so I can perfect them.  This is how we communicate.  Subtle glances and faint smiles.  We are sarcastic soulmates I think to myself.  It all means something.  Something means everything.  An hour ago I asked him if I was mean as I gave him a Hershey kiss.  He smiled and said ''yes'' I smiled back knowing what I know.  Taking in his dry and awkward compliment.  This is how we communicate.  We talk through our eyes and insults.  Neither fully penetrating nor causing harm.  He looks at me again, I look back he looks away.  He is not beautiful yet he has grown beautiful in my eyes.  His wit and charm match mine like a glove.  I smile while writing this because for a third time he has begun to stare.  Yet melencoly quickly overtakes me at the same pace the truth does.  This is how we communicate and this is all it will ever be.