Empty

                When bad things happen to me I don’t blame the person who did them to me nor do I hold it against them.  I wonder what I did wrong.  How I let myself let anywhere near me.  Why I was so weak or why I was so stupid.  I didn’t have a horrible childhood.  I don’t have a drug addiction.  And I don’t have some disease that no one knows about.  Yet all my life I feel as though I’ve been hiding.  Hiding from something I do not know.   I keep myself guarded not just to keep them from hurting me but to keep me from hurting them as well.  If they get too close they will see how empty I am and that is why I hurt them.  I turn the other cheek.  I pretend as though they do not exist.  What’s really crazy is I still have this illusion that one day I will find someone who loves me.  You can’t love a black hole that doesn’t let anyone near it and that is the stone cold truth.  I was born with this emptiness.  It was neither forged nor stolen.  Simply born with the rest of me.  I don’t feel the same things others feel.  Jokes they think are funny I find meaningless.  Things that make others cry I don’t even blink at.  I guess you could say that makes me crazy or a psychopath but it’s not like I don’t have emotions.  I have the ability to laugh and to cry.  I just don’t do it genuinely all that often.  I think all things through logically before they even happen.  I think every scenario out that could ever possibly happen.  I am never surprised.  I think that has led to my doubt in many things like religion and friends and the existence of love.  If you expect something to happen nothing will happen.  It’s a science like watching a flower or a plant grow.  Watching it grow everyday it will seem to grow at a very slow rate or not at all as if watching it makes it not happen.  In my opinion it’s the same thing with thoughts and miracles.  If you think it will happen it won’t.  It’s a science fact as far as I am concerned.

  Sorry to disappoint.