Monday, May 22, 2017

Doctor says

My doctor says I'm depressed.
Maybe that's why I haven't left my bed in five days.
My doctor says I'm anemic.
Maybe that's why my heart hasn't stopped bleeding. 
My doctor says I have anxiety.
Maybe that's why I ruin everything by worrying about ruining everything.
My doctor says I have ADHD.
Maybe that's why I can drive for six hours but can't pay attention to the current conversation.
My doctor says the pills will help.
But I have been popping pills since I was four and I'm still fucked up.
My doctor says I shouldn't be so hard on myself.
I don't think they know there is not a pill for self loathing.
My doctor says I should see a therapist.
But I've been in therapy since I was seven and not once did they ask about the bruises on my arms.
My doctor says to look on the bright side.
I don't think they understands that there is a lion that guards the gate.

My doctor says everything is temporary.
I don't think they understand my body is rejecting my mind.
I don't think they understand that I am scraping at the back of my eyelids trying to get out.
I don't think they understand that my mind is a storm and and I'm drowning.
I don't think they understand that I don't dream because when i sleep I only think of how nice it would be if this was forever.

I don't think they understand that the ailment that I suffer from is not a curable one.
My doctor went to school for eight years.
But I don't think they learned a thing.

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