My bestfriend

      Recently my best friend started a blog and in her first post she talked about me it was only a brief description but I thought I'd return the favor. 

 

      My best friend,  if you asked me to describe her in one word I'd tell you that was impossible because she is so much more than just one word.  She's like a broken pane of glass.  So many pieces all different shapes and sizes.  All reflecting something different.  She's crazy of course but who honest to goodness isn't.  But between all that craziness she's one of the most put together people I know.  She's strong even though she has no idea. She's way prettier than she realizes too.  She takes care of me more than I deserve and I honestly owe her my life because she has more than once talked me back into sanity.  She loves me despite my faults and my corkiness.  She never judges me ever.  

     I couldn't ever possibly ask for a better best friend.  And I think that somewhere whether or not god exists we knew each other.  It might have been in heaven. Or our atoms could have come from the same star billions and billions of years ago.  All I know is that girl is my sister one way or another. And I love her with all my heart.

Loves, 

Lil Red

Strong

Most of my life I've been run over like I was nothing but a speed bump.  A figure of authority in my life had always told me I was stupid and worthless and other things like that.  And as a child i didn't know how to cope with all that negativity.  I became angry and started bullying other kids that were bigger than me probably because the bully in my life was bigger than me.  I was hateful.  I realized later that I had become what I dreaded most and apologized to most of the people I had wronged.  But not much changed because I was still the victim of verbal abuse.  As I grew up I became drawn to a more popular crowd.  They were the biggest bullies of them all.  They gossiped about peoples flaws and snickered at others pain.  And to them I was a play thing.  I was smart so they used me to copy off of.  I was funny so they used me to entertain them.  I was tough so they used me to protect them.  It was only until my sophomore year that I realized this and left all of them completely.  Still I was constantly put down by that same figure of authority in my life.  I turned to the wrong people to make me feel whole.  I started to convince myself that if I loved these people they would love me back.  But sadly that was not the case.  I started believing I was worthless and that I was truly stupid.  I started to put myself in dangerous positions.  I'd walk extra close to on coming traffic or I would climb a tree and stand on the weakest branch just to see what would happen.  I started wondering what people would do if I was gone.  Of course some people would truly care and then others would pretend but what I wondered most was for how long would these people care.  A day?  A week?  A month?   Even my own family I dare say would not have morned for more than 6 months.  So there I was bullied to the breaking point questioning whether or not I still wanted to be alive.  I was sitting on my bed one day when I realized the problem wasn't with me.  It was him.  The man that had put me down all my life was just trying to keep me at his level.  He was putting me down so he wasn't alone.  And I was just sitting there letting him win.  Letting them all win.  Everyone that hurt me with their words and their gossip.  I was lying there letting them win.  So I decided to stop caring.  To start pulling my self up instead of down.  Every time I looked in a mirror I would tell myself I was gorgeous.  I would tell myself I was brilliant and most importantly that I was better than them.  Because I was.  I became strong.  Their words are nothing to me anymore I'm like a steel wall.  An army couldn't hurt me.

Verbal abuse isn't a joke.  It's a real thing and in my opinion is worse than physical abuse.  It creeps in slowly and convinces you that you deserve it but guess what you don't and no one does and it sure as heck is not worth loosing your life over.  Mark twain once said "Do not fight with stupid people they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."  Don't let them drag you down.  Be strong. 

Loves,

Lil Red

Sorry/Poetry night take two

Okay, first of all I'm sorry. I've been so beyond overwelmed and not in a good place lately so I fell off the face of the earth and didn't blog at all.  Once again I'm sorry.  I've been dealing with some deep stuff lately and battling what I believe to be some form of depression.  But I'm getting better and focusing on the good not the bad.  In the process of getting better I've had to cut things out.  One being god and I know I'll get a lot of hate for this but ever since I stopped praying, stopped worrying about being judged at church stopped hating myself because I was judged and stopped thinking I'm not worthy it's like a giant weight has been lifted off of me.  And once again I know I'll get hate but I want to get one thing clear.  I'm not living some godless life and I'm not dropping my standards.  I'm stepping back and focusing on the people who have been there for me through thick and thin. The people who raised me and didn't judge me when I needed them most.  I want to send a message and my message is this.  You never kick a down dog.

So now that that's off my chest I want to assure everyone who got this far and don't think I'm crazy or possessed that I'm recovering and am no longer as depressed as I was.  I will return to blogging and I thought I would start off with some poems that I wrote.  They're a bit sappy and depressing but these were from my recent depresstion phase when I went through a serious awakening so bare with me if you will. 

Waiting 

I'll be there when she isn't 

I'll carry you when she drops you

I'll love you when she leaves you

I'll praise you when she forgets you 

I'll be there for better or for worse

So Just remember that next time you say you love her 

Next time you run after her

Next time you choose her over me

Remember I'm still here and I will always be here 

Waiting 

Life or death

You walk away

Bam!

I am dead 

I know it

My heart has given up 

I hit the floor 

Slowly 

I realize 

I am still alive 

But my heart is gone 

Dead and gone 

I feel cold

I grab a knife

Is this life worth living 

without being able to love?

Living proof

Yes it is true 

I am still in love with you 

My body aches for you

My thoughts linger back to you

My heart beats for you

But all with false hope

Because me and you both know

We simply cannot be

I am living proof 

That you can be alive but still have died deep inside

Okay sorry if I've ruined your day and mad you sad and gloomy.  I just want everyone to know that I'm back and I'm here to stay. 

Loves,

Lil Red

"Americas future"

Let's punish the flock because of one bird because that's how the school system works now.  We have lost our individuality and become a group a label a number. You're either smart or average or stupid and there is no in between.  Kids get lost underneath these superficial labels that we have been taught to accept since birth.  No child left behind is a scam.  It's an excuse to pass the kid down so it's "not your problem" anymore.  And it works until one day the kids a freshman and has no idea what he's doing so he continues to take the same class over and over again while the school expects a different result.  So eventually the kid gets let into the real world and is totally unprepared and can't hold down a real job because he's not "smart".   It's funny how we judge a persons intelligence by how well they can follow directions.  If they don't listen they're stupid.  If they are obedient they're smart.  Society needs to realize that we are not dogs we are human beings that have a voice and can use it. 

How about you chew that up and spit it out.  You know what the after taste tastes like?  To me it tastes like unemployed, not prepared kids who are "Americas future".